Transitioning from the comfort of my alma mater to a new, much glitzier school (our library was a former president’s summer home) has been harder than expected. For one, I’m confused as to why there is no sign of Jesus anywhere. Having gone to a Jesuit school for undergrad, I’m used the the constant, judgmental undertones of Catholicism. However, they have made up for the lack of religious paraphernalia by kind of naming a building after beyonce (Bey hall). So I kind of still feel the judgement and disappointment similar to what I’m sure Jesus feels when he sees me. (Doing the rosary 100 times for comparing Bey to Jesus. Thou shalt have no other gods blah blah blah).
The lack of Jesus has left me feeling pretty alone and wondering if anyone even hears me when I pray for the Mets to get good or for calorie-less bread. I’m having a very “are you there God? It’s me, Margaret” moment.
Along with thoughts of having been forsaken, I’ve been having a lot of other intrusive thoughts that I can only attribute to growing up and becoming an adult. I’ve decided to make a list of very grown up thoughts I’ve been having because I’m sure people can relate. I’ve put them in the order that they typically pop up during the day:
- Why does my bed smell like an everything bagel
- Where’s the sun
- Shut up birds seriously shut up
- Is mixing white wine and orange juice kind of like a mimosa? (answer: no)
- Do I have to dress up for class now that I’m in grad school?
- I’ll just add a lot of bracelets I feel like social workers do that
- Is three cups of coffee before 7am too many?
- It doesn’t count if it’s ice coffee.
- Since when do I have so much Biggie on my iphone?
- Fuck traffic. Fuck construction. Fuck everyone on the road but me.
- Why am I sweating already?
- Wait now my car smells like an everything bagel
- I should have brought a wine-mimosa with me to class
- Seriously, when did I go on a drunk itunes binge and buy all these Biggie songs?
- $3.31 is NOT a good price for gas
- BIGGIE BIGGIE BIGGIE CAN’T YOU SEE SOMETIMES YOUR WORDS JUST HYPNOTIZE ME
- Shit I almost hit that kid. I hate commuting. Parking is a nightmare. Everything sucks
- Look at those undergrads. What a life. Look how carefree they look. Their whole life is ahead of them.
- You shouldn’t have yelled “trade lives with me” out your window.
Clearly, I’m spiraling. I may have asked my dog what it’s like to live a life free of responsibility during an especially hard moment in this existential crisis I’m having. I’ve also had three people tell me I look “really familiar” so I’m convinced there is someone out there using my pictures to Catfish others, or I just have a really average looking face.
PLEASE GOD, if you’re there, let it be the former. I’d rather have my identity stolen than be average. Amen.