How I got accused of Grand Theft Auto & why it was Snooki’s Fault

If there’s a celebrity that tons of people hate and they also are famous because of a reality show, generally I’m a huge fan (this excludes Teresa Guidice for reasons too numerous to list at the present time). So naturally, when Jersey Shore aired, I was ecstatic, partially because I love to watch train wrecks such as myself on TV and partially because I believe the closer in proximity celebrities are to me, the more likely it is that I will become famous (a dream of mine, duh.) OBVIOUSLY, Snooki was my immediate favorite because her tan was bad, her fashion was questionable, and she was a hot drunk mess. ALL of my favorite things in a best friend/reality star I’ve never met.

Seeing as I have a beach house a few miles away from Seaside, I was expecting to brush elbows with them a lot (or, in the case of Snooki, my elbow brushing the top of her head.) Unfortunately, after a few weeks of filming their second season, I had not run into them at all, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and creepily prowl around Seaside in search of them. I was driving around for a few minutes when I saw a huge crown up on the boardwalk. Jackpot. I could see Jenni and I assumed (correctly) that Snooki was with her. The street was also pretty crowded so I was frantically searching for a place to park when I saw an open spot. I was so fucking excited I almost passed out at the wheel. I was sooo excited that my parking job was a little cray and when I backed up to straighten it out….I hit another car. For one half second I thought I would just run and forget about it. Thats a lie. It was more than a half second. In fact, I was completely prepared to leave the scene when a cop on a bicycle (how embarrassing) rode over to me and insisted he take the report down. Literally, just my luck. With tears in my eyes, I looked up to the boardwalk and watched my BFF (Snooki) disappear from my sights. The officer walkie-talkied in my plate numbers while I plotted ways to get into the Jersey Shore house that didn’t involve me catching an STD. I was still plotting in my head when the officer put his hand on my shoulder and said, “miss, are you aware the car you’re driving is stolen?) WTF??! I think I started crying and I’m not proud to admit that I may have thrown my mom under the bus by telling him she bought this car for me and she probably didn’t know it was stolen but she always was fond of a good deal so I couldn’t be sure. He was not deterred by my tears and next thing I know I was handcuffed and THAT was my first time in the back of a cop car.

Just kidding. The cop wasn’t even in a car, remember? He was on a bike. Turns out, he read my plate number wrong and I was free to go. I didn’t even damage the other car so nothing bad even happened (except for my party soul-mate getting away). Now whenever I’m stalking celebs I generally just go on foot (all the better to shout my twitter handle at them anyway).

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