during the last week of college i gained 20 lbs. this is not an exaggeration. people thought i was wearing dresses because i was cute and girly but really it was because none of my shorts fit me. i also don’t think anyone actually thought i was cute and girly, and if they did, that thought was promptly quashed by the sight of me double-fisting cheap wine. speaking of which, my friends and i all became convinced that the University was trying to kill us via wine hangovers. during our “senior week” kick off party, there was an open bar with wine and beer. the wine was laced with rat poison (i’m probably legally required to say that this is a joke but to be honest i wouldn’t be surprised to find out either way). we were all too scarred to drink wine for the rest of the week. i think probably we had PTSD from blacking out and waking up shaking and with fevers. it seemed that the university was trying to turn us off drinking forever so that after graduation we could become functioning members of society (LOL AT THEM). but what happened instead was that we were all turned off from wine so we did shots. on at least 2 occasions during this week i forwent brushing my teeth because i thought Fireball whiskey was just as good (i still maintain this thought process. it freshens your breath and kills germs). Ke$ha was wrong x9103810 when she claimed she brushes her teeth with jack. no one could ever do that except alcoholics. brushing your teeth with FIREBALL is much more likely and also more pleasant because then you smell like cinnamon and not liquor.
i also started insisting that i stay at the bar as late as humanly possible because it was the last week ever i’d be at this bar. I yelled at my friends when they tried to take me home. here is an actual conversation that i’m 98% sure happened:
friend: the bar is closed, let’s go
me: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME JUST GIVE ME TWO MORE MINUTES
friend: the owner is kicking people out we have to go
me: I WILL BE THE LAST HUMAN IN THIS BAR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL LEAVE WHEN I AM PHYSICALLY REMOVED
*30 seconds later*
owner of the bar: honey, time to go home its past 2am
me: ok, thanks so much for a great time see ya tomorrow!
or something like that. it was also during this conversation that i sent my OTHER friend the following series of texts:
“please pleae come over by the bathroom eveyone is trying to make me leave please come here i’m crying i need you
“are you at 919 im coming”
“if you go lemme know and i will murder myself and drag my corpse to the late night”
I was (and still am) VERY committed to drinking.
some people may say that this is all very dramatic but i kinda think that if you aren’t willing to die and then resurrect to bring your body out to a party, you’re probably not the type of person i want to go drinking with.