happy birthday america

my mom has decided to celebrate by forbidding me to play flip cup in our new beach house. its like she doesn’t want me to have even a little fun. my sister is celebrating by insisting to me that we should get any liquor besides vodka because vodka “tastes like gasoline.”
i am celebrating by ignoring them both and getting wasted by playing vodka flip cup. im also celebrating by watching the kardashians and hoping that one day i will have half as much fun as kris jenner is having in that club. i’m hoping its the type of situation where the older you get the more fun you have; so kris jenner is triple my age so she has three times the fun?
here’s another kris jenner theory: the more babies in her family, the more youthful she gets. i’m 98% sure that she pokes holes in scott and kourtney’s condoms because she uses the placentas to stay young. i have A LOT of kardashian/jenner theories

update: we just had our fourth of july dinner which consisted of cheap wine and an alarming amount of talk about IUDs. on the plus side, i learned a lot. such as the fact that you can get a vasectomy on your lunch hour and then go back to work, “like a colposcopy” (obviously coming from a person who has never had a colposcopy. I’m confident that in fact a vasectomy is more pleasant than a doctor tearing out part of your cervix with no anesthesia.)

should i think of a better ending for this post other than one about colposcopies? i probably could, but will i? no.

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